Heal Your Relationships by Understanding Attachment Styles

Our attachment style develops during our childhood and it’s defined by the relationships that we had with our primary caregivers. We carry these patterns into adulthood and they become themes and patterns throughout our romantic relationships.

Attachment Theory has psychological roots – dating back to the 1950 and has been expanded since. This theory has the ability to give us a clear understanding of why we behave, respond and relate to others in the way that we do. It also helps us understand why our partners think and act in certain ways as well (Mandriota, 2021)

Attachment Theory is a simple yet very powerful tool that you can use to heal yourself and to develop healthy relationships with others.

Your attachment style is not set in stone

Our attachment styles our developed in childhood but can be altered throughout adulthood. They are initially created and defined by the care, attention, consistency and trust of our primary caregivers and romantic partners (Peoples, 2021) If a child was abused, neglected, abandoned or did not have the space to feel safe and trusting within one or both caregivers – this can cause that child to have an inconsistent, insecure attachment style. If an adult was manipulated, cheated on, abused or deeply hurt this can also alter the individual’s attachment style. That being said, according to recent studies – only about 50-60% of people have a secure attachment style.

If you are someone who resonates with one of the “insecure” styles do not feel ashamed or discouraged. Most of us have operated within one or multiple of these styles before, including myself. The first step to developing a secure attachment style is to first recognize truly and honestly where you are now. That is why I am sharing this article with you.

As we move through the following styles, please be honest with yourself and open to where you can make improvements.

The four attachment styles

Anxious Attachment

This style develops its roots from the wound of abandonment. Individuals with this style often have a fear that their partners will leave them or suddenly stop loving them. They do not handle rejection well and deeply fear it. This causes the individual to have an insatiable desire to be validated and reassured. For this reason, these people can be very needy and co-dependent (Mandriota, 2021) Perhaps the most detrimental aspect of this attachment style is that the individual depends on their partner to regulate their emotions.

This is very unfair for the partner and will place too much pressure on the relationship. Subsequently, the relationship will fail. If you are someone who has this style it is important for you to remember that it is not anyone else’s responsibility to “make you feel loved or to save you”. In fact, this is a very selfish and impossible request. Here is the harsh truth: we will never be fulfilled for long if we depend on others to fill our cup. It is up to ourselves to heal and find the love within ourselves first.

Affirmations for this style:

“I am worthy of love”

“I am the love I am seeking”

“It wasn’t my fault that I was emotionally or physically abandoned”

Avoidant Attachment

This style is rooted in neglect and a deep fear of intimacy causing one to be overly independent, unable to commit long term and highly distrustful of others (Mandriota, 2021) The heart breaking truth about the individuals who have this style is that they crave love and intimacy just like the rest of us, but they unconsciously push it away, avoid it and run away from it. These individuals may start out very strong in relationships but when things reach a certain point, they ghost, sabotage and run away.

This can be very heartbreaking and confusing for the romantic partner involved. Oftentimes, they will never receive an apology or mutual closure because those with this attachment style are very dismissive to other people’s feelings and emotions. For those of you who resonate with this attachment style, I want you to ask yourself a couple of questions.

1. When you were a child did you have a safe space to express your needs and emotions?
2. Did you get punished when you tried to depend on your parents for love and for help?
3. Were you forced to grow up too fast?

I want you to know that there are people who will love you fully and offer you a safe space if you let them in. You can trust people because not all people will punish and avoid you when you open up and need help. There is a type of love you have never felt waiting for you and it’s on the other side of fear.

Disorganized Attachment

This type is a mixture of both disorganized and anxious attachment and develops its roots in childhood trauma, neglect and/or abuse (Mandriota, 2021) If both of the above styles are present we see a great deal of contradiction here. This is an individual who wants to be loved desperately but deeply fears intimacy. These individuals are “all over the place” in relationships sending mixed intentions to their partner and being very inconsistent throughout the relationship.

This style can also be linked to personality and mood disorders, violence, substance abuse and other self harmful activities (Mandriota, 2021). Individuals who have this style can also have a-lot of narcissistic tendencies and traits.

 “They believe that they’ll always be rejected, but they don’t avoid emotional intimacy. They fear it, and they also consistently seek it out, only to reject it again.”

Katarzyna Peoples

Affirmations for this style:

“I am not defined by my traumas and wounds”

“I have the ability to heal and become a healthier version of me”

“It is okay to seek help so I can experience the healthy love that I truly desire and deserve”

Secure Attachment

Individuals with secure styles can develop and maintain healthy, loving and balanced relationships. They can build and enjoy intimacy without being dependent on or attached to their partners. They are independent but feel safe and supported asking for help. These individuals know that trust can be developed and maintained with the right person. They feel confident in relationships and feel comfortable being alone as well. Most importantly people with this attachment style can regulate their own emotions and communicate affectively within their relationships (Mandriota, 2021).

“Secure attachment is the result of feeling secure with your caregivers from childhood and being able to ask for reassurance or validation without punishment. Ultimately, you felt safe, understood, comforted, and valued during your early interactions. Your caregivers were probably emotionally available and aware of their own emotions and behaviors”

Katarzyna Peoples

How can we improve our styles?

Discussing and making sense of your childhood dynamics and traumas with a counselor, licensed therapist and/or an energy healer can help you overcome your traumas by getting to the root of the issues at hand. Also discussing your experiences and emotions with your caregivers or past romantic partners will help you gain clarity, speak your truth, find closure and open yourself up to the possibility of forgiveness.

The first step is owning where you are now and taking responsibility for your patterns, themes and behaviors in your previous and/or current relationships. I hope this article has shed some light on why you behave and respond the way you do. I also hope it has given you some insight about your current or previous partners and why they have reacted and behaved in the ways they have.

We are not defined by our wounds, traumas, past or our attachment styles. What defines us is our integrity, strength and desire to improve ourselves and the way we relate to the world around us. I hope you choose to heal so that you can become the best possible version of you because — you deserve it.

We are one family, under one sun.

I love you always.

Adriona Gaia

Mandriota, M. (2021, October 14). Here Is How to Identify Your Attachment Style. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/health/4-attachment-styles-in-relationships

Peoples K. (2021). Personal interview.