Self Love: What it Really Means and Why it Will Change Your Life

Self Love. You may know it as a spa day, a warm bath with candles, a piece of chocolate or anything that nourishes the soul. You may also know it as arrogance or ego based praise and beliefs we hold about ourselves.

Maybe you’ve heard someone tell you, “Of course I love myself. I have a great career, my dream car, money. I’m successful. People look up to me. I’m talented, attractive and I have great style. I travel, I have a degree and I’m a business  owner. I do kind things for myself that make me feel good. I take care of myself. Whats not to love?”

The list goes on.. but all of these things exist outside of us. These are THINGS that we do or that we use to make ourselves feel good, successful, worthy and validated. I am not saying that we shouldn’t strive for success or do nice things for ourselves, this is a form of Self Care.

I am saying we cannot rely on those things.

Here’s Why

When the day is over and we take off all the masks that we believe make us who we are. When we are naked and when we are alone. In the morning light, when we look at ourselves in the mirror. When nobody is watching. Do we genuinely love ourselves? You know, the person you really are beneath the facade you share so perfectly for everyone else. 

Behind our facades are lies, despair, rejection, loneliness, fear. This is because we have not truly learned how to love and heal ourselves. Oftentimes, we run from ourselves. We’d rather not sit with ourselves. We don’t want to be alone because it is there we will be faced with our unresolved pain and fears. So we distract ourselves. Where is the love there? If you haven’t invested the time to heal and honor your emotions, you have rejected yourself. Completely. 

When we don’t feel worthy of love, we will give all of our love away.

We will throw ourselves into our friendships, our relationships, our work, bad habits, entertainment. We will disregard our own needs and focus on people pleasing, saving others, fixing others, showing off for others. Our attention will be focused on external people and things. We will have very weak or non existing boundaries. In turn, we will let people control us or make and sway our decisions. We will struggle to say NO, stand firm in how we truly feel and who we are because we risk being rejected. We won’t speak our truth or share our needs because everyone may leave us. Denying ourselves again and again. We make our decisions based on others because we don’t want to let people down. As a result, we don’t make choices that align with our true self. Then, we wonder why we are unhappy and unfulfilled..

We again look to others and outside sources to give us more love.

We become desperate and codependent, like we constantly need to get our fix of love. So we look to our partners, friends or family to validate our worthiness or to take care of us. We base our happiness on them, when it is absolutely not their responsibility. We then become enraged and we blame our unhappiness on circumstance, our partner, or our friends. Can you imagine the pressure they feel? Can you see how selfish this is? Naturally, nobody will succeed. Nobody will ever be enough for you. Because the only person that can ever make you truly happy is you.

Can you see how this is an endless cycle of sucking love out of everyone and everything else? Here is the sad truth of it all.. it will never get you anywhere. You will go in a circle, facing the same lessons, time and time again until you learn to love yourself. Because when you are naked and alone at the end of the day, there you will be. When your relationships fail, when your money runs dry, when your beauty and talents fade, there you will be.

I have been there.

I know what it is like to burn myself to pieces trying to light the way for others in hopes to save them. I know what it is like to give all of my love away without reciprocation because I desperately needed to feel worthy of love. I’ve come to understand the damage that can occur when I live a life with no boundaries for my wellbeing. I understand how putting the needs of others before my own will drain me completely and leave me unfulfilled. I have been in that circle and I have mastered the lessons I needed to break that cycle.

I have discovered the life altering power of self love and how it has changed my life and my relationships. You know who’s going to give you everything? Yourself.

Please understand that your happiness and self love is never anyone else’s responsibility. Including your significant other. Our partners should be contributors to our happiness but they should never be expected to make us happy. If your partner is not contributing to your happiness, it would be healthy to express your needs and concerns with them. If they are not a good fit for you and are unable to contribute to your happiness in the way you need them too then it is best to find a new partner. Which brings me to my next point, we cannot fix, change or force anyone to be anything other than them. When we learn to love and accept ourselves in this way, we can easily learn how to love and accept other people. This will create very healthy, symbiotic, loving relationships.

Self Love starts with honoring yourself

Self love is only to be found within you. In saying that, you’re going to have to get real with yourself. Think about who you really are, what you would like to improve about yourself and how you would like to change your life. How can you start honoring yourself? This question was the game changer for me. Start thinking about what people, habits, activities, clothes, music, facades, roles that are in your life that don’t actually align with who you really are.

It is easy to figure out what you need to let go of by thinking about how each thing or person really makes you feel. If it doesn’t feel completely aligned with who you REALLY are, LET IT GO. Today. Get rid of it now. Clean up your life. This step is essential because it puts you on the true self track and clears up space for new energies to come that actually align with you. As I have said before, this is where the MAGIC HAPPENS. You’ll discover opportunities, miracles and a life beyond what you’ve ever imagined. Most importantly, you’ll discover a sense of peace. Honoring yourself is at the heart and center of what Self Love is about.

Disclaimer: You may lose “friends”, followers, relationships and things when you commit to honoring your true self because you are growing. Therefore, you may no longer align with them.

This is okay. Learn when to let go. If honoring yourself makes people drop off, they are not your people. Don’t be afraid to let go of everything that does not reciprocate or serve you. This is also what self love is about. If there are people or things that are draining you and are not reciprocating your energy and effort, let them go. Not because you are better or above anyone else, but because you love yourself enough to finally know you deserve better. Loving yourself is about knowing that you are worthy of reciprocation.

stop caring about what others think

You can do nice things for yourself all day to practice Self Care but what will really change your life is the day you decide to accept yourself and stop giving a F about what others think. Wear what you want, express yourself how you want, stand up for what you believe in, dance in the rain, cry in public, shout from a mountain, be the light. I’ll tell you a secret: people are magnetized towards raw, authentic energy. You may draw some attention, but guess what? Your light is bright and worthy of being seen. So stop holding yourself back for once in your life because you are embarrassed of what others may think and let me tell you why..

Nobody on this earth can ever touch that which is really yours. Your true self. Your consciousness and soul. They do not really know you, they do not live your life for you and some of them are strangers you probably won’t ever see again. In fact, they are such a small part of the story that is your life. They truly do not matter. Here is the truth you just have to be ready to accept: You will not be everyone’s cup of tea. You will be rejected by people. No matter who you are and here is my answer to cope with that: F IT. Nobody’s rejection or acceptance validates you remember?

Take the Time to Heal and master self love

Get even more real with yourself about your personal traumas, fears, issues and pain you live with. These are different for everyone but we all have things we need to heal. Some examples are: abandonment wounds, childhood trauma, unresolved heartache or grief, commitment or trust issues, unhealthy attachment styles etc. Why? Because your mission is to learn to love and accept yourself. How are you going to do this when you don’t even understand yourself or why you are the way you are? Understanding yourself will help you find self compassion. Which is an incredibly important part of Self Love.

Okay Adriona, I hear you.. but how do I do this? Well, a great place to start is by writing down or talking with someone you trust about your emotions, your experiences and your pain. Learn how to be vulnerable. Talking or writing about what we need to heal within can help us understand the unhealthy patterns in our lives and what is holding us back from truly loving ourselves.

The more we heal, the more we love ourselves and the more we are able to love others.

Another great option, is therapy or counseling. There I said it, but before you throw your hands up and say no way! Ask yourself why the idea of this makes you so uncomfortable? It’s 2020 and self-healing is the new sexy. I study psychology and I have been on my self-healing journey since 2014. BUT I still know I can continue to grow and heal. So I started therapy early this year and I have finally started to understand the roots and the in and outs of my ways. My biggest takeaway was discovering unwavering self love and compassion towards myself. Just a suggestion. I am looking forward to sharing more about my journey in therapy with you all.

Create Healthy Boundaries and speak your truth

Let us not confuse unhealthy needs and expectations with having personal needs and desires to honor our true and highest selves. When you begin to know and love yourself, you will begin to know what you need and deserve in this life. So having clear boundaries with what you need, how to protect your energy and stay true to you is crucial. As well as, having the courage and strength to speak your truth to all in any situation that calls for it.

This will look different for everyone one of us. So I will share an example about myself. I value personal freedom in love and in life. So naturally, I would need a partner and a career that can honor my freedom to contribute to my happiness. This is my truth. I know this about me and I love and accept this about me because it aligns with who I really am. I know that because it brings my soul happiness and peace. In knowing this, I will proudly speak this truth and create healthy boundaries around my need for my independence and space in relationships and in my personal life.

It is okay to have needs as a human so long as they are healthy and truly align with your highest self.

Think of your love language, it is a way in which you are best supported in love. This is a healthy need or knowing about oneself. Mine is Words of Affirmation or knowing that I am seen or recognize for who I really am. In knowing this, I will stand firm by what I know I need. I will honor myself and speak my truth about this because I love myself enough to know that I deserve what I need. I am aware my truth won’t align with everyone and that is fine by me. I know my truth will align with who and what is right for me. Trust yourself, understand yourself and honor yourself. This is Self Love.

Lets Recap Self Love

It’s not about thinking that you’re a cool person or loving the image you project. It’s about loving yourself deeply despite your greatest faults and shortcomings. It’s about getting real and honest with yourself about who you really are and choosing to love yourself enough to accept and heal your deepest wounds, traumas and self limiting patterns. Self love is showing up for YOU. Every damn day by doing the work to become better while simultaneously accepting who you are right now.

Self love is about loving who you are when you are alone behind closed doors, when nobody is watching. Self love is being able to say, I love me for everything I am. I love me with all of my perceived flaws. I am worthy. I am no less or better than anyone. I love me naked. Without the makeup, clothes, cars, jewelry, or career. I am good enough right now and I love who I am right now sitting here reading this. I don’t need anything or anyone to complete me or love me, because I love me. TRUE SELF LOVE is when you know and believe this

‘’Loving myself is more fulfilling than having someone else love me. Therefore, I am able to accept and give true love freely and purely.’’

More to come on Self Love

There is so much to this topic but the three practices above are a great place to start. I have transformed my life through Self Love and I would love to serve as some kind of inspiration for all of you to do the same. I will definitely be sharing more about Self Love here on the blog so make sure to subscribe if you enjoyed this!

With love always,

Adriona Gaia

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